David
Augsbereger said: “Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing
we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure
of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness.”
Since forgiveness is rooted in love, a brief look at Christian
love may help us understand, in a fuller sense, the act of forgiveness.
AGAPE, the Christian love, is limitless and unchangeable even when the
object of that love is changing. When our Lord commanded us to love
our neighbor, he made it very clear that the world around us is that
neighbor. On the basis of distinction and likeness, a person stops being
that neighbor. Though different from us, a person is still very close
to us, because that person is a neighbor on the basis of equality with
us in front of God, and that equality is unchangeable. “The Christian
love is spontaneous and unmotivated. Love directed to sinners is intended
to disclose its independence and sovereignty,” said Nygren.
God loves us because of who He is and not because of what we
do or don’t do to deserve that love. God’s love is very much indifferent
to value. Nothing in and by itself (apart from God) has a self-rooted
worthiness or value, but actually, it is the love of God which gives
the object of that love VALUE and WORTHINESS. That which is not worthy
or valuable acquires its utmost value and work from being loved by God.
AGAPE does not require value, it creates it.
Our neighbor needs not only our love, but our forgiveness also.
If we are to extend forgiveness, we must overcome the roadblocks
of fear, pride, revenge, self-pity and social pressure.
FEAR that our forgiveness will put a stamp of approval on the
other person’s actions. It gives the person who hurt us the license
to hurt us again and again. Forgiving makes us vulnerable and we fear
that. If you tell a lie about me and I forgive you, then the lie must
be true, some may reason. This fear measured against the love and forgiveness
of our Lord does not have a leg to stand on. Our forgiveness is based
upon our pure love toward the other person whether they will hurt us
again or not. Our forgiveness is an answer to Christ’s call to forgive
and is not motivated by human reasoning. Forgiveness does not approve
of the wrong, but erases it. Our forgiveness indicates our love for
the person committing the wrong, and not the wrong action.
The fear of being rejected has its roots in pride.
When forgiveness is extended and not received, we feel rejection
which injures our EGO. When our ego takes charge of our actions, we
better watch out. Our Lord asked us to forgive when wronged and ask
forgiveness when we fault our brother. When we extend forgiveness, we
have done what God asked. We can be responsible only for our own actions.
If the feeling of rejection paralyzes our forgiveness, then we should
look to the life of Christ for inspiration and direction. “And
forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,”
our Lord teaches us in the Lord’s prayer. Not forgiving our fellow man
is saying NO to God’s forgiveness.
Our feelings of revenge manifest themselves in our attitude of
making the offender suffer the discomfort we suffered. We show feelings
of indifference and total isolation. This feeling is a detour around
the act of forgiveness. Avoiding someone is not forgiving them, but
postponing the unavoidable Christian act of forgiveness.
At times, we drown ourselves in a sea of self-pity which prevents
us from reaching out to receive the hand of our loving and forgiving
Lord who can help us deal with our wounded selves. Self-pity is one
of the most devastating roadblocks to forgiveness, because it magnifies
the self, the hurt and prevents us from looking at the wrong doer with
any kind of loving and caring perspective. Only in identifying with
the other can we really understand and forgive. We, at one time
or another, may engage in a similar wrong doing which requires forgiveness.
One wrong act is not sufficient reason to devalue a person. Like ourselves,
the other person is capable of weakness, confusion, fear, panic and
frailty. Identifying with the other is a necessary step in penetrating
the otherwise impenetrable wall of unforgiveness. In love we put the
act in perspective and view it apart from the person. Forgiveness allows
us to see only the love in others and ourselves.
Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from the past, transforming
the present and securing a love-filled future.
The weight of the faultfinding pulls us deeper into the waters
of self-pity. WHOSE FAULT IS IT? When we feel wronged,
we immediately look to the other for blame. We perceive ourselves as
victims. Something has been done to us. We are the “innocent”. We have
a right, therefore we demand justice. An act of unkindness seems to
put an end to years of beautiful memories filled with happiness and
joy.
Forgiveness requires courage and humility. When we lack both,
we withdraw and run away from the situation hoping that it will go away.
Absence does not heal; the fantasy that time will heal has been proven
wrong many times over. God does the healing in time if and when we allow
him to touch our lives. It is the fault of the EVIL ONE who destroys
the work of God, but each of us is responsible for his or her own actions.
Forgiveness does not dwell on “Whose fault is it?” but on “How can we
fix it?”
To the wrong doer, God says: “Stop, go reconcile and return.”
There is no short cut. God alone does not handle it. Let me illustrate
— I am driving away from the church parking lot and suddenly I back
my car into the side of Mr. Nice Guy’s brand new Mercedes 450 SEL. He
hears the BANG and sees the damage. I get out of my car, look at the
damage and then bow in prayer, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for being
preoccupied and clumsy. Please give Mr. Nice Guy the patience and the
understanding when he goes to fix his car.” Then I drive away with a
smile telling the nice guy that God will take care of things in His
wisdom. What would you do if this were your car? Reconciliation has
to take place between the offender and the offended. To the offended,
God says: “Forgive not only seven, but seventy times seven.” Love never
ends and neither does forgiveness.
When we do not engage in a forgiving attitude, we assume the
weight of hate, pain and anger. Accusation and condemnation are never
a path to forgiveness, but acceptance of one another in Christ.
An unforgiving heart is good soil for anger and sin. Anger gives
birth to resentment, bitterness and hostility. . . We expect life to
be fair. God is really in control and He allows these things to happen.
In tribulations we are tested and this is a gift of God, (Phil. 1:29).
Difficult times should produce spiritual maturity, as St. James said
(1:2 -4).
St. Paul said: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling
and slander, along with every form of malice,” (Eph. 4:31).
When the root of bitterness is watered with self-pity and fertilized
by dwelling in injustices, it will grow out of proportion, stunning
the growth of spiritual fruit and our capacity to love.
The Apostle Paul said: “And we know that in all things God works
for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to
His purpose”.
There is another element which destroys the forgiving spirit
which is peer pressure. “What would people say if I forgave without
having demanded justice?” We act according to Tom, Dick and Harry. The
issue is: What would my Lord do if I refuse to forgive? We live according
to God and God alone.
I might forgive, but can I forget? What does it mean to
forget? Our Lord blessed us with a mind which is capable of recalling
things that happened many years ago. Can we recall the hurts? Yes, but
we should not relive them. Why can’t we keep the painful memories stored
in the past without pushing the recall button? Why the reliving and
the rehashing? Do we like to go back to sit on the old gravestone where
past grievances lie buried? True, the horrid of memory may fly again,
but forgiveness has clipped its wings. The curse is gone. The memory
is powerless to arouse any anger. The past is the past. Nothing can
alter the facts. Forgiveness restores the present, heals the future
and releases us from the past. With God it does not matter who is right
and who is wrong. He knows and sees everything.
Whether we are the offender or the offended, the first step
should be ours. Christians do not keep scores. Love hides
a multitude of sins in forgiveness. Keeping scores of wrongdoing is
like sitting in the judgment seat. Our judge is God and He alone. Are
we all judges of one another? We all have to answer for our own actions
when we face our Maker. No one has been appointed a judge over anyone,
so why the score keeping? Forgive it and forget it; God will take care
of it.
We know that we have forgiven when we can do the following:
a. No longer have the fruit of unforgiveness in my life.
b. Talk about my offense and offender without getting angry,
resentful or bitter.
c. Talk about my offender without getting a knot in my stomach.
d. Wish my offender good.
e. Look my offender in the eye with true and honest love in my
heart.
f. Revisit the scene of the event without having a negative reaction.
g. Do good to the person who offended me, and be joyful around
him.
Our Father, who art in heaven, help me forgive seventy times
seven; and if I have wronged my brother, with Your love, bring us together.
And when we are too weak to act on our own, Dear Lord, do not leave
us alone.
From Word
Magazine
Publication of the Antiochian Orthodox
Christian Archdiocese of North America
March 1990
pp. 15-16
